I don’t want to make some cliche post about new years resolutions, so I won’t. Rather, i’ll make it about change, which is just a tad less cliche. In order to bring in the whole idea on change, i’m going to have to explain the journey that brought me here, to this point, this very thought. But before that, here’s a little disclaimer. I like to practice transparency, so, I’m going to be transparent. This is me, my brain, simple as that.
2015, oh goodness, 2015 was rough. Possibly the hardest most challenging year I’ve ever experienced. I learned so much in this last year, and honestly, I wish I had never learned some of it. But I did, I completed the year, and that alone is an amazing accomplishment.
In this last year i’ve been asked, “Are you okay?” More than I care to count, possibly somewhere in the triple digits. If that doesn’t give you the slightest idea of how my year went, then I don’t know what will. Now, I’m not saying that this year has been terrible, because it hasn’t. Rough? Yes, completely, but terrible? No, not at all.
Anyway, back on track, these past years i’ve struggled with depression, I still am. I struggled with the entire thought of living. I struggled with all my relationships. I had moments, longs spans of time, where i’d feel every terrible thing that had happened in my life, all at once, and then moments where i’d feel absolutely nothing at all. The worst part is the fact that I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t search for an answer, I didn’t even try to feel better. I became numb to the fact that I was hurting. The deadness I felt seemed almost normal to me. For the longest time I fought it alone, completely alone. I didn’t trust God, I didn’t really trust anyone. I had lost hope.
I went through a lot and it all slowly added up, consuming me, making me the way I was, the way I am. I was stuck in this constant rut of depression and confusion for months, I felt I was broken. I reached a point where I was done. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I was drained, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I became so focused on trying to hide my bitterness, my anger, my sadness. I thought it was wrong and selfish for me to feel this way. I mean, I have a family, i’m healthy, so why was I complaining? Why was I so unhappy? For a while I hid all my emotions with a smile. I felt that my unhappiness was wrong? That it wasn’t okay for me to be so upset. Then November rolled around, I realized that i’m never going to get any better if I don’t ask for help, if I don’t reach out, and do what I need to do. I needed to let myself hurt. I needed to stop hiding it. I needed to believe that it was okay to not be okay.
Later, one November day I was reading this poem that a friend wrote and it really opened my eyes. I learned that it’s truly okay to hurt, it’s okay to grieve, to have rough patches, to cry. But there’s going to comes a time where you’re going to have to pick yourself back up. The thing is, I knew I couldn’t pick myself up, not alone. I needed to trust God, I needed to believe and know that he is always there for me, waiting, with his arms stretched out.
In Isaiah it says,
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
It says it right there, he WILL help. Now, I’m still not fixed, I’m still in that rough patch and I’m still trying to crawl out. Here’s where it may seem to get a little cliche.
It’s now January 2nd, 2016, and the challenge i’ve given myself is to get better. To learn that its okay to NOT be okay. That God will help, he wants to. He wants to strengthen you. Also, that hurting and grieving is okay, as long as it doesn’t consume you. Look back at Isaiah, it says he’ll strengthen and help. Remember that.
So, as this new year rolls along I’m going to try to heal, I’m going to try to not be okay when needed, and to be okay when I can. It’s okay to not be okay, it really is. I think not being okay is a part of the healing process.
As you go into the new year change your perspective. Realize that it’s okay to not be okay. For those that are hurting, struggling, hiding their emotions, join me. Let God help you, be okay with not being okay.
littlehannie 